letters to you

I’m not looking for something safe.

I’m looking for something firey.

I want that burning sensation- that spark of intense longing. That obsession; that addiction and infatuation of something stronger- something more. 

Something that shakes off your rabid rationality. That sort of irrationality and reasoning growing off your bones. 

I don’t want something normal.

I want something insanely abnormal. Where you and I are so in love that we can watch the whole world burn and still be content. Where you and I are stuck in the black hole of abyss yet we are still one and still so, so in love that it all doesn’t matter.

And Yet,

And Yet, you’re still you. 

So rational. So safe. So comprehensively normal.

So still. Never changing. Always present. Always waiting. 

And yet,

You’re still you. 

And I’m still me.

Two dots carved from opposite regions. 

Are we just laying here hoping for something more? 

Is my beating heart somewhere outside?

Or is it hidden somewhere underneath your many layers.

Show me the way. 

I just can’t take this anymore. 

I want something more:.

Can you blame me for not being able to trust when I’ve been blinded in the past? 

You told me to jump, but when I jumped you weren’t there. 

You asked me to fly, but when I flew you slipped away. 

You pleaded with me to try, but when I tried you let us go. 

I came to you half empty.  

You make me strong, then you break me. 

I can’t be blamed.  But then who’s to blame.

I don’t know what to write to you, so I’m writing and deleting things as I type this.  I’m pretty tired too, just like you are, and I don’t know if it’s better for us to just stop communication or if quitting communication will just end things faster. 

I don’t know if being honest with you right now is the best thing or not, or if it’s better for me to just keep my thoughts to myself and just be nice to you– as in just pretend to be okay and maybe it’ll get better. I haven’t decided which route to take. I feel like if I’m honest with you it just doesn’t do anything- but I feel like if I’m fake with you then you’ll think everything is okay and move on without any second thoughts. Then everything circles back to the root of the problem and then I’m lost in that cycle again (at least for now). 
I wonder.  Are you even curious about my days? Or does it just feel nice to know that you have a friend back at home that you put on hold.  Someone that you water a few times a day when you’re bored.  Have I really become this person to you?

Probably not.  But, we were close once.  

Indeed, we were close once.

Maybe this broken path can never be fixed. But, it was only lightning that struck once.  Nothing more nothing less.  Something so small and trivial yet so thunderous and impactful.  Tunes that cut into my skull.  Maybe you’ll bleed out too once I pull your trigger. 

Cause triggers- oh, there’s just so many triggers.  So many minuscule actions that built up throughout the course of the season.  

But it wasn’t all that bad.  

You made me sing at one point.  Maybe even dance.  

You helped me fly through the cracks and the tunnels when I was too afraid to skim through.  

But, like a child I am faced with too many fears.  Too many voices and too many worries.

I’ve lost people before, and this won’t be new.  

Yes, we were great once, but we’ll be even greater apart.

Does this even make any sense to you?

I wonder how you’re doing.  I wonder if you’re okay.

I liked your frizzy, colored out hair.

But shaved wasn’t so bad either. 

You, my friend, are despicable, unlikable, and utterly, utterly alone.

Your nonsensical outrages know no boundaries of any sort, and I declare that there be an end to all of this madness.

Even if it’s already much too late.

Walk me down the purple waters, and pull me close to your heart.Would it be okay to follow you like this? Ever so softly, with hopes and wishes sprinkled onto my lips. 

Memories may fade, but my intentions for you are as clear as light.  

I’ll quietly walk next to you, walk towards you, walk with you step by step, past the lilied lilacs and freckled roses.  

I’ll love you, however many years it might take, and love you ardently, fervently, till the nights turn to dry skies and our forevermores into hazy greys.  

Just let me love you, by your side.

I’m under the covers, but it’s still cold out.
I’m writing these letters to you, but they still remain unopened.
I’m waiting for the tides to turn, but it’s all iced over.

Will you reach out your hand and smooth out the wrinkles?
Piece together my mind’s puzzle and lead me through the dungeon’s halls?

Just say it ain’t so.

Please don’t let it be so.

It doesn’t have to be so.